Lakers v Bucks 12.21.2010

Denver misses Brandon Jennings:

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I don't believe in God. Not even a Spinozan logical God as the first cause of all causes. But I still pray that Lamar Odom becomes an All-Star. I forgive you for the '08 finals. I realize that you and Luke were the only ones who had Kobe's back in the pre-Gasol medieval times. 

Whatever team you play on is ridiculously better with you ont he floor. You will never be appreciated so I'm renouncing my membership with the Brights and asking 'Hov to get you int he All-Star game. 

And I swear that I wrote all of this before seeing that back-to-the-basket-behind-the-back-beauty to art model Artest. 

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Imagine if Kobe suddenly aged 15 years and had to play against the Bucks' 2s today. He'd still drop 30 on 46% and hit the game winner. Simply gorgeous. Kobe used every inch of his frame and moved his body in space in exactly the right way to create enough leverage and/or balance to loft a shot into the rim. The mechanics of his movement could even put '98 Airness to shame. 

How can dominance be so quiet?

On an unrelated note, I fully expect to see Bogut on Twitter again complaining about Kobe's travel + three point play. It only seems to happen against Bogut. 

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In my last post, I dicussed the stellar adj. +/- of Ilyasova and how if the Bucks knew what was good for them and listened to Denver, they would give Ersan some more burn. Well, Scott Skiles found my post while doing an unrelated search for pornography involving girls in Denver drinking Foster's beer and today the Lakers paid. 

His focused mug works way better than Bogut's oh-my-god-i'm-seeing-double-what-happened-last-night-at-Outback face. 

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'Drew on the bench is actually an optimal configuration but theoretically it won't be radically different in terms of the Maverick's flexibility in choosing lineups. We saw this LO-Bynum-Kobe lineup early in '010 and its pleasing in short spurts, especially if say Pau Gasol was being bullied by Aussie and Turkish big men. 

Matt Barnes had a rare off-night too. I was begging for more Luke/Artest. Perhaps it was the trauma of being called on Twitter by someone with the word "deepthroat" in her Twitter handle. 

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Is it okay to bring up that bullshit about the Lakers being soft? Or do the printing presses of Los Angeles still run on hyperbole?

Whatever, we just got Boykinsed. 

Lakers (19-7) v Sixers: LO

Denver forms notions of a game that does not give itself easily to any meaningful representations:

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The book on Eric Snow when he was playing was as a tough minded defender who could occassionally knock down shots. Hell, for a while, he traded AI second option status with Aaron Mckie. Now, he's resigned to being a gravelly voiced color man who bows down to Kobe and extolls the dominance of the Lakers. Needless to say, I prefer color guys who at least pretend they still care about what went down when they played. 

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My Matt Barnes love affair only grows after seeing pump himself up after making a 4th quarter corner three. It was somehow even better than Ron Artest talking to himself. I don't even care about his incredible adj. +/-, this guy just belongs on the court; it's a shame NBA teams do not really see it my way. 

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Another day, another Kobe injury. Won't faze him. Hopefully it won't become arthritic. He knows what to do. 

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Idiots look at LO's box score today and ask, "Hey, why doesn't he do that every game? Man, the Lakers would be dominant then." Yes, why doesn't he do that every day? It's not like he's playing with an all-world center, a historically high usage shooting guard and a team stacked with veterans who could each put up 15 every night. Why does he focus on the intangibles, work selflessly and post historically amazing +/- numbers? What is the matter with him? Must be the Kardashian thing, messing with his mind, not making him 'show up' like he did today. 

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Basketball has left Philadelphia. Running, jumping and yelling remain but Basketball has left. 

Lakers (18-7) v Pacers 12.15.2010: Bynum, Pau-ey Franchise, Denver's Killer B Crush

Cutting open the mind and severing that fancy sounding thing which connects the right brain to the left brain told us a lot about how we function. Providing exegesis of both the Lakers and the Pacers against as they compete against will surely test Denver's resolve. 

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Pau can be the franchise if we let him be.

Generally, Kobe and Pau are 5 and 6 in PER (it's handy if immensely flawed, adj. +/- is favoring Gasol by a pretty wide margin right now although historically Kobe, Artest, Odom and Walton are the biggest stars) and it's beautiful.

Kobe is clearly a 3rd quarter savant. Think the legendary Game 5 2010 Finals v Celtics. Coming out of halftime, he has a clear conception of what he wants to do and Phil gives him the burn to ignite. 

4th quarters are pretty good too. The Goatee must have something to do with it.

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Does anyone else discern a racial subtext every time the white broadcasters for some mid western team calls them "a traveling circus." Who among them contributes to the circus? Pau Gasol, who could pass for a lost, very tall U.N. ambassador? Kobe, who, at this point, just hangs out with his kids, wears pilgrim hats and likes to bullshit with Obama? Lamar Odom, who puts traditional notions of selflessness to shame? 

I'll give you Artest, but you made him this way Indiana. If you want to see wild creatures look at the press corps (excepting Trudell, Teaford, Ding, Markazi and the McTen bro) who seize upon the smallest sarcastic remark to trace fissures at the team's seams.

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Andrew Bynum is a psychological boon at this point. Like a soldier cured of a nasty case of phantom limb through hypnosis, the Lakers simply have to believe that Bynum is there to have their collective backs and his atrocious plus/minus is quickly absolved and the team gets ready to clobber. 

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Ron Artest has clearly been drinking the other Ron's Ron Ron Juice. 

Steals, lay-ups, assists. Please God. Give him his threes back. I will ask no more. 

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To use a crude Simmons-ian metric Gasol will chew up MMA-bro Hibbert in retaliation even though he's not the type to retaliate. 

The Lakers have a secret toughness. They're the Paul Dano to the Celtics' Daniel Day Lewis. Each team is insane/tough in their own way. The Celtics beat you up. The Lakers make you think you're playing the game wrong. 

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Woe is Dahntay Jones. Gone is an overrated Kobe-stopper. In his place is a Sundiata Gaines look-a-like who gets slightly less playing time. 

His Indiana team should be a good story. Shockingly deep for what they are. Possible cap space in the future. A 1,3,5 and some bench players who need not be sacrificed to the gods of mediocre basketball. 

But the league is perverse. The Pacers will make the playoffs, draft a player in the early 20s who will not put them over the top and they will be left squeezing out narrow wins against the Raptors for all eternity. 

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As the futility wears on, I begin to wonder how Kobe/Chuck Person crack each other up. 

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Mark these pixels: Steve Blake will eventually bury a dagger three in the playoffs. This man is for real. He's got Zen like focus that I'm sure one old man, an old 1 and an aging 2 on the bench saw right away. 

Matt Barnes. Thank god Orlando doesn't understand adj. +/-, so we have this fiesty super glue guy. 

Shannon Brown. You can not only jump and shoot when set. You can run. Please use your speed accordingly.

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Keep your emotions in check, Denver. Revenge doesn't show up in the Hollinger Computer Elf Generated Rankings. 

But that voluptuous scoring margin sure does. 

Also, triangle sets with Kobe, Pau and Luke. Blake and Lamar on the weakside. I cannot forsake it and neither can the Maverick. 

Extended Pressing: The Bynum Blues

Human beings, as they are wont to do, either spend too much time mired in the past, hoping it will predict the future or an obscene amount of time waiting for the future to come. If you're not Kobe Bryant or Derek Fisher, the present is beyond your grasp. 

Thus, we are left with two things weighing on the mind:

1. If Bynum comes back, he might just get injured again and we'll be fucked. 

2. We can't keep playing Pau and Lamar for 40 every night. Bynum needs to come back. Why don't we just roll over agains the Bulls in the mean time?

Either way, the non Fish, Kobe contingent on the Lakers is left with the Bynum Blues. A state of uncertainty which creeps forth every year when you don't know if a ten mil plus portion of your team will be present or not. 

Houston was stuck for so many years having to craft their mindsets around T-Macs knees. Orlando with Grant. Portland with Oden obviously. 

The Lakers are not invulnerable to wondering when someone who could be the highest PER earner on the team will be able to walk without wobbling. 

Lakers v Pacers 11.28.2010 () : The Usual Barnes appreciation, Regression, Luke sighting and Brandon Rush

People often ask me about my middle name. Be prepared to answer questions about this game:

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The book on Brandon Rush is that he has all the tools in the world, a sturdy frame, leaping ability and speed but that it's unlikely, at this point, he will care enough to put it all together. He could even be a defensive stopper in the mold of FIBA Iguodala, but Kobe's season high stats thank him for staying as undeveloped potential.

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Shannon Brown's now-receding-from-immediate-memory offensive efficiency at the beginning of the season might be easier to latch on to, but Matt Barnes slippery brilliance should not be discounted. He finishes at the rim better than any Laker 3 we've seen since 2009 post All Star Break Ariza. He does 'whatever the team needs.' The spectacular rebounding can't be discounted: 2nd in the league among 3s last year. Hell, if they put him on Psycho-T, the Lakers might not have ben outplayed so egregiously. He is as invaluable, if not more, than Luke in his prime. 

I think the last sentence implies that Barnes is an adj. +/- stud and yes, I will not stop mentioning that because every opinionator worth his weight in bytes writes like the world depended on his words (e.g. Hitchens, Christopher).

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Kobe. Airballs. What?

Mildly concerned. 

Kobe. Still The Greatest Right Now. He was the bulwark, holding back the tides of a shameful Staples Center blowout. 

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It's worth noting that despite Pau's unparalleled output over the last three years, few are either unwilling or unable to imitate his repertoire. Even the classically-trained (read Walton schooled) Hibbert favors the Luis Scola feint right, shimmy and righty hook over left shoulder combo rather than the intricate low block Gasol ballet. It's almost as if any move Gasol can conceive, his nimble seven feet and long arms can achieve. 

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Oh 50% 3-ballin' Fish, we hardly knew ye. Oh newly reliable Brown and old steady Blake, how thou hast teased us. Regression to the mean is an ugly phrase, but it means so much. Then again, who would be truly happy if this Lakers team defied the narrative of every Lakers team ever and emerged Terminator like out of the mist, perfectly formed and ready to ruthlessly murder on the way to 79-2?

Would Denver Tyrone Foster exist if there was nothing to remark on, if everything was remarkable?

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Even if one grants that Indiana is a potential playoff team, this is still one of the worst losses of the year. Pau was neutralized by a center who this author saw play at Georgetown, by play I mean he looked like a tall kid shoved out to the middle of the floor for the wolves to feast on, desperately miming what a basketball player was supposed to do and hoping nobody would notice. The bench did not earn their pay, excepting Barnes. Brown routinely blew assignments and Bryant wasn't exempt either. LO was good at least. Fisher should start preparing for the snide remarks now. Luke should've played more. The Pacers finally won in Staples Center.

But please, don't call this a 'skid.'

Protecting America's Children from Unsound Arguments: Yahoo Sports' Adrian Wojnarowski "Riley should support coach, not replace him"

For the most part, I enjoy reading Woj. I don't enjoy his work in the aspirational Kelly-Dwyer-is-the-fan-we-all-want-to-be sense which leaves me hunting furiously through the Ball Don't Lie archives but rather with a muted respect for his ability to get Eddy Curry-sized scoops (cf. steaks and Michael Jackson talk with Kobe to Dwyer's Jordan retrospectives).

Still, Woj has earned deserved criticism for valuing his earnest, fiercely held viewpoints over whatever the facts of the situation maybe as any poor soul who had the temerity to click through to his LeBron James mauling knows all too well. Here, in his column imploring Pat Riley to not make a coaching change, he abandons logic:

They’re holding this against Spoelstra too, now. Which is absurd. Somehow, great players need a coach with gravitas, someone who can command respect. Everyone always insists it has to be a former player. No simulators need apply. Only, that logic is forever flawed. Spoelstra worked his way up from a video guy, the way former Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown had done. If James didn’t respect them, it had nothing to do with their playing résumé. James would never survive under Riley – the old one, anyway – unless he made some dramatic changes in his professionalism.

So here is the claim that Woj is trying to counter: "Great players (i.e. Mr. James) do not respect coaches who've never played the game. No simulators need apply."

Here is Woj's move: "That logic is forever flawed because Spoelstra and Brown (two coaches LeBron arguably respects as much as he respects Soulja Boi's DeShawn Stevenson tribute) worked their way up from being video guys."

Well, Mr. Woj, it's, in fact, your logic which is forever flawed. Take it from me, a man who once squeaked out of a state university with a B.A. in Phil, your logic is flawed forever, flawed eternally, flawed until time becomes an abstraction in the remnants of a post Helio-explosion solar system. Try as you might to bend the facts and the sentences to your will, Phil Jackson is right. Players do not generally respect simulators, that is coaches who are armchair dictators, assuming that videos and play-books tell them all they need to know about sweat, tears and Jacksonian "being in the moment."

Who I would want to coach an NBA team v Mephistopheles' All-Stars for my eternal, corrupt soul:

1. Phil Jackson
2. Larry Brown
3. Pat Riley
4. Hubie Brown
5. Red Holzman

Man, you know I don't need to spell out what 4 of these 5 coaches share. I also probably don't need to tell you Hubie Brown played professionally for 13 games and put up 13 a game while playing stifling defense.

If you've read this far, you are not a simulator.

The Greatest (A Brief Logical Treatise) Part 1

1. The Greatest has to be both aesthetically pleasing and overwhelm advanced statistical metrics.

2. Given premise 1.,  Michael Jordan is The Greatest.

3. Given Premise 1., Kobe Bryant is the best player in the game right now and will go down as the second best shooting guard of all time/Jordan's backup on the All-God team.

Premise 1. is justified via the Magic/Kareem example. Kareem's best Offensive Ratings would shame anybody ever. Yet, Magic is seen as the masthead of the Showtime Champions because even a dying Filipino child who had no intentional states directed towards the formal properties of Basketball could see that what Magic made was beauty. Thus, the man who put the ball in the basket more than anybody ever is neglected and abandoned to shape-up ads.

If you can't see a different vein of that same aesthetically satisfying movement running throughout Kobe and Michael's games, then you do not know Basketball as you should know it.

2. shouldn't need to be elaborated.

3. demands a bit more. We know Chris Paul leads in PER and adj. +/- and probably win-shares. LeBron is usually close behind while Kobe consistently makes it to the top 5 in above metrics, excepting the overrated win-shares when he 's healthy. Because of 1., we generally neglect big men so sorry Timmy, Pau-y and Dwight-y. Chris Paul if he had 3 more inches and made it to Jerry West height could be as visually satisfying as 00-11 Bryant but he isn't. If you can watch LeBron waddle duck footed up the floor, hoist a hideous, wounded jump shot and dribble in awkwardly syncopated patterns, then more power to you. Interestingly enough, Deron Williams comes closer than Dwayne Wade to being mentioned here. Deron's good enough to be Wade's shooting coach and then some.

Don't worry. This is only part 1. These types of things aren't meant to end.

Lakers v Jazz 11.26.2010 (13-3)

Denver is pronounced exactly as its written. Bustin' a recap:

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Steve Blake's luck had to abandon him sometime. Like a man who repeatedly swipes an overdrawn credit card, Blake fired and chucked with that odd cross-body release of his and the rim refused to roll his attempts home.

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Barnes was fantastic. Artest wasn't. Is it too early to be asking who the rightful starter is? According to Basketball Value, Barnes figures prominently in the Lakers' best assortment in terms of both adj. +/- and overall rating. I am conducting a support group in the comments section of this blog for those of you reminded of Artest's pre-game 7 finals yakety-sax bricks. 

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Kobe kept those daggers cloaked until the fourth. Paramedics were called because neighbors witnessed this turbid aging writer scream at his Macbook in the second and third quarters that Kobe needed to stop treating the glass like Eddy Curry treats his treadmill and use it. 

His early lack of efficiency is still a bit troubling. I recommend the faithful observe his ability to convert from 10 feet in very carefully. 

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The 2-5 pick and roll is and should be reserved only for instances in which the triangle proves to be an old, inflexible lover. And it should be abandoned during instances in which the defense seizes it as an opportunity to squeeze the daylight from Kobe's eyes. There was a key turnover in the 4th because Kobe, unless he's been exposed throughout the game, cannot handle an aggressive, elite double team. He can't get up like he used to to make those skip passes. 

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The sentence "those who play it best" in the ihoops ad coincided perfectly with the slack jawed visage of the admittedly underrated Jason Kapono(vich).

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One of the little-discussed repercussions of instant replay is the rest it creates for both teams. The break in gameplay is the equivalent of a timeout on the floor (less kindly labeled as a tv timeout). The implications of this are subtle but worth considering. Lesser conditioned athletes, those who would curse God after running a wind sprint or two with Kobe, will surely be thankful. 

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Not much to mock the Jazz broadcast team about. Harpring is generally excellent. At one point, he claimed that backup PG Ronnie Price was 5'7, 5'9 or 5'10. For a second, Nate Robinson's eyes lit up as he felt a little less alone in the NBA before the animus subsided in favor of reality. 

They had a lot of fun with the fact that Ron Artest was a math major.

The play-by-play man seems like he lives his life by boilerplate. He almost enjoyed plugging that 50,000 dollar charitable contribution that dumb company made every time the Jazz made a three. It's not charity if you have to let a television audience know about it. 

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Energy Solutions arena is an odd name for a place without a functioning shot clock. 13 seconds of this game evaporated, never to be experienced again. I can't say I much care for the reasons stated below. 

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This game didn't and still doesn't feel like a loss so I won't treat as one. A two possession shortfall against a very talented team on a very raucous home court is not a predictor of future performance. It's funny how the bench is conveniently missing when the Lakers face a hostile hellhouse on the road. This loss was a coinflip and tells us nothing.  

Lakers v Warriors 11.22.2010 (12-2)

Denver is my name. Denver's Thoughts:

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Pau Gasol was bound to be perfect at one point this year. Despite what HoopData and the advanced stats tell us, he appears to be unstoppable with the mid-range which peaked in the 08-09 title run, abandoned him at times in 09-10 and most importantly, makes him virtually unstoppable. He can pound on the low block but he can flood with the 10-15.

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This bench. If providence somehow bestowed the Killer Bs and Caracter onto the Finals squad. Big Baby would've been laughed out of the room for trying to outmuscle Caracter and out-hustle barnes in Game 5. Nate Robinson, near tears from being smothered by MMA aficionado Blake would keep his thoughts about the similarity between the Celtics' bench and characters in the Shrek franchise to himself. 

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We do not need to mention Kobe in discussing this game. He is the Predator Drone the Lakers hold in reserve for a cold night well into June when the bruising of opposing big men render Gasol slightly less than optimal, Odom's wildly fluctuating sugar levels lead a decrease in his +/- and Bynum's knee creaks through its brace. Kobe endures. Kobe will be there. He'll shoot around 45% but have average between 1.2-1.4 points per shot and the game will relinquish itself to him. 

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There likely won't be a recollection until post-Turkey because the NBA passive-aggressively refuses to let its League Pass Broadband subscribers tune into NBA TV fan night games. The nearly 200 dollar chunk blown out of my depleted royalty checks to pay for the service is partially in vain. 

Lakers v Timberwolves 11.20.2010 (11-2)

Towards a new Basketball Discourse powered by Denver Tyrone Foster:

The Timberwolves P.A. music selection speaks louder about their team than any statistical analysis. The Beatles, Jackson 5 ("I'll Be There"), Dr. Dre, Jay-Z ("Empire State of Mind"), Bruce ("Born In the USA")

Can't forget to give props for the 'Wolves color man who claimed that contenders take care of business against "teams like Minnesota" without knowing how statistically sound his views were.

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One does have cause to be concerned with Kobe's excessive early turnovers. One of the oft-repeated but oft-ignored linchpins of the Kobe v. Mike comparison is the fact that the great one turns it over much more than the a-little-bit-greater one. I do not, however, argue that this is intractable as some would (e.g. Shaw has suggested that since Kobe's having smaller hands than Jordan accounts for some fo the differences). If Kobe had a character-defining focus on limiting turnovers a la Chris MVPaul, then the numbers would definitively dip.

I had a dream where I was impassioned in claiming that Kobe's lack of efficiency stems from his having to take so many end of shot-clock and/or desperation long twos. Then, I switched to discussing his stellar plus-minus before I gave up out of shame. That is all that needs to be said.

Pound, pound, juke, turn right, fade, make. Kobe has that impeccable turn-around back again after he victimized the Pistons with it. Combined with the recent re-emergence of the double clutch we are seeing the somewhat-unique-to-Kobe-and-vital-to-his-identity moves in his era-spanning oeuvre.

After that Dr. J tribute halfway through the third, my faith in the remaining rags of athleticism possessed by the Kobe puppet is renewed.

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Pau has a much shorter leash than Kobe. If Kobe's as dry as the Longoria-Parker divorce proceedings, the team keeps feeding him out of fear and faith. Pau gets a smattering of low speed post moves stopped by Manna-from-heaven, he stops being served prime-rib (mid-post feeds) and has to get his fill on the perimeter with liver.

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Derek Caracter is like Shaq with the 3 second violations, general chubbiness, but averages about -30 PER from the big fella in his prime.

Still, a lot of promise. Could be our Big Baby stopper if such a thing were ever required.

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Matt Barnes' three point misses produce an imaginary clang on my auditory nerve, but his rebounding warms my eyes. His passing is severely underrated. This man's adjusted plus minus speaks as loudly as his innumerable tattoos about his potency as a weapon for the Lakers. 

I thank the Warriors and the Magic for his rim-less arcs tonight.

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The bench shielded this win from the excesses of the starters.

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The Lakers need their 8-figure speed-fiend Mr. Bynum right now. I smile recalling how he small he made the Wolves feel in blowouts past. 

Darko had a manna-from-heaven type game in the first half and it would not have happened if he had 270 odd pounds exerting enough force on him to trigger memories of his inadequacy. 

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Reading Brewer's subtle-facial expressions and Kahn's ridiculous visage is a pleasure in and of itself. 

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In which the super aware hive mind of Internet laughs at the ignorance of the local broadcasters:


Claiming that Darko did something "out of the triangle." Darko looking around cluelessly when he's camped on the mid-post is not the triangle. Oh Tex. 


Luke Ridnour "has the free will" to pull up and pop whenever he wants. Clearly, hard determinism hasn't made it to Minny yet. 


"I talked to David Kahn"

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The curse of 31-31 has caught up to Love. He can't use his appearance as camouflage to secretly dominate the game anymore. Beasley might have been able to seduce Odom with his cloud of green smoke but not Artest. That's really why Barnes and Co. won tonight.

The scoring margin could've been better though. #gottagetthathollinger

Lakers v Pistons 11.17.2010 (10-2)

Ramble and pay no mind to the bramble Denver.

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The Pistons are nothing more than an enfeebled Houston Rockets minus Yao and any sense of intelligent design behind their genesis. You have Charlie Villaneuva — a childish, toughness starved Luis Scola. Rodney Stuckey/Hamilton — a bit stronger than Kevin Martin but about 1/4th lesser in True Shooting Percentage. Aaron Brooks' smaller headed doppel-ganger is Will Bynum: both have put up 50+ and both will continue to be too small to play on an elite WNBA team. Chuck Hayes and Ben Wallace could switch places and their wives wouldn't notice because there wouldn't be a dip in rebounding prowess. T-Mac is the same T-Mac that hobbled around the Rockets' practice facility before being handed his pink slip. The difference, of course, being that the Pistons are chock full of mediocre role players whereas 1-9 on the Rockets could be dropped into a championship roster right now and make a positive impact. 

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If Kobe can get his beautiful double clutch back (ask the '09 Orlando Magic how fun it can be), his finishing woes may cease.

That left-handed hook shot he hit which was subsequently waved off — routine for him but still amazing. Even post-baseball Jordan never polished his post game enough to achieve the luster Mr.Bryant clearly has. Of course, Kobe still hasnt' shoot 50% for a season but that's a matter for another day. 

He could've conceivably and easily hit 50 if Phil kept him in under the keep-your-average-up-so-you-can-be-happy-and-not-scrap-the-offense-the-next-game principle.

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Is there any doubt Kobe would be a tougher and more effective 4 than the rag of a skeleton that is Austin Daye? Couldn't Derek Caracter eat him for lunch and still have enough room for Rip Hamilton's remains?

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You know how in baseball movies the manager begs the umpire to be thrown out to rally his team. Well, Rip Hamilton tried it and it didn't work because he plays on the Pistons and Larry Brown with a staff stocked with Larry Brown clones couldn't get this team to play. 

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I'd like to put out an open call to Neil Paine of Basketball Reference fame to calculate how much Lamar Odom boosts the overall offensive efficiency of the team when he starts. To my eyes, the offense flows as Odom's remarkable speed, hands, court vision and unselfish heart allow the team to move and score as one. Behind the back, right-handed fast break assist to Gasol.

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Patently absurd color/play-by-play guy claims of the night:

Rip Hamilton referred to as "young man."

"Steve Fisher."

Charlie Villaneuva labeled "explosive."

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If Tayshaun Prince and Shawn Marion ever decided to get an empty gym and practice shooting together, the game of Basketball would ask for an end to the aesthetic misery and spontaneously combust.

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If you're a reasonable basketball fan on the internet, you've, by now, seen Paine's excellent study proving that blowouts of mediocre teams are better predictors of playoff success than close wins over good teams. So enjoy this one, Lakers stans.  

Lakers v Bucks 11/16/2010 (9-2)

Non-linear depictions of Denver Tyrone Foster's mental representations upon remembrance of this Lakers game past on NBA League Pass Broadband.

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Kobe can't really finish with contact any more. The ability to take a hit, convert and truly dash the other team's belief in its ability to stop you is a necessary condition of being an elite MVP caliber player. It is by no means a sufficient condition. I'd rather have Corey Maggette than Kobe go up with the ball from 8 ft. on in but it'll be a warm day in Sarah Palin's heart before I take Maggette over Kobe in anything else.

Mark my words, Kobe is my favorite currently playing sociopath and one of my favorite people of all time, but it's time we, like the Bulls evaluating post-baseball Jordan be honest with our hero's capabilities and limitations.

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The first quarter was a salvo. The Lakers endured even as the shells became lodged in their sneakers.

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The Z-Bo theorem (show a much maligned offensive/defensive black hole enough love and he rewards his employers with heretofore unseen and dram-free productivity) applies to the ragtag band of misfits and perennial keep-a-suitcase-ready trade bait. Drew Gooden posted the highest true shooting percentage of the night for the Deers and was seen on multiple occasions by this humble author diving for loose balls. This is very unbecoming behavior of a mercenary. One can imagine Maggette laughing at these displays of espirit de corps, mocking Gooden for risking injury and lowering his value on the open market.

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Devin Ebanks has no fucking clue what he's doing. Blocked, cherry picks, frustration dunks, fouled, somehow stays focused enough to make free throw. Pulled soon after.

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Ilyasova should be starting. Oh how quickly the Bucks doth forget whose rebounding and all around plus-minus goodness let them snatch win that playoff game in Atlanta last year. This man is the Buck's future and their present. Fear the right deer dammit. 

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The most fascinating thing about the Lakers offense are the bailout plays. Kobe triple pumps and drains. Gasol fades and swishes. Fisher has been an excellent pressure release thus far, slinging threes from behind his head to erase the mistakes of the shot-clock parched skip pass.

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"I can't look at Artest without thinking of..." pre-2k10 this sentence would be finished with the malice at the palace, post 2k10 it's thankfully finished with "his post-game soliloquy after the finals last year."

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Wonder if Scott Skiles is going to spend all of next practice punishing his players for giving the Lakers' free and-1s on fastbreaks. The Bucks defenders stamped the fast-breaker's boarding pass/hand, waved them through to the hoop and bid them farewell on the merry way to the free throw line.

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Can't really see or hear squad six. Why isn't there a camera crew constantly focused on their antics?

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Finally, this team is, thus far, so '08-'09  in style, depth and fire-smooth offensive execution. It flirted with a brand new '011 mold in the early going, efficient-low volume Kobe, franchise player Pau and quietly effective bench. Now they're regressing back to '09: Kobe-reliant, a bit Pau-ignorant. Fortunately, we do get the fantastic bench of the '08 regular season with Sasha's effectiveness split between and multiplied by the killer Bs. 

This Lakers team, in its long-molten core, carries an endless number of previous selves within its soul.